Troubled Man
by tengreenbottles
Summary: Siruis Black was not the best of people and he knew it.


Summary: Siruis Black was not the best of people and he knew it.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling. Obviously.

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First it's his family.

Getting into Gryffindor. Befriending blood traitors.

Leaving the house when he's older.

That's when the name first comes up, **failure.**

"Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless. Disappointment. Failure." His mother labels him "That's what you are. That's what you will always be. You're no son of mine"

He smirks as he slams the door on his way out.

Her voice echoes in his mind.

It never really leaves.

-

Next it's school.

He fails potions. He just doesn't understand.

So he starts cheating. Then he's caught.

McGonagall escorts him to Dumbledore's office. Her lips are pursed and she looks right through him as they walk there. He avoids looking up at her too much. Somehow, she reminds him of Regulus,

'Disappointing' he hears her say to Dumbledore as he leaves and Siruis's head swivels round. McGonagall looks at him with sad eyes.

_Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless**. Disappointment**. Failure._

Siruis remembers.

-

Then he's stuck in tutoring with prefect Remus Lupin. His grades improve.

He ups the bad boy image though. James is the smart, likable, loud one. So Siruis decides that he'll be the fun one. 'The rebel' – it fits. He'll be the one all the ladies adore and teachers fear and students move out of the way for. He'll make it so that he's untouchable by wands and words, no matter what. So, he absolutely _can't_ have anyone figuring out about the tutoring.

Strangely Remus understands. Siruis decides he likes him, so after introducing him to James they become a group: Remus, Siruis, James and later James new friend Peter. They become friends.

It takes them about a year to become _The Marauders. _Hogwarts most infamous group of friends. Mischievous. Daring. Pranksters.

Inseperable.

...Until in a fit of drunken rage and stupidity Siruis tells Slimy Snivellus to go to the whomping willow that night. Knowing full well about the full moon, of Remus's _"furry little problem"._ Remus Lupin who was the one that always helped and taught him. That even went so far as to offer _the Siruis Black_ advice and wisdom, should he take it.

"Traitor" his mother's voice whispers in his head.

-

He's forgiven eventually. Remus says he understands. James takes longer, but he comes round. Peter just wants the marauders back together.

They move on. Time passes and before long they've left Hogwarts (ending with more pranks in a year in the whole history of Hogwarts). The death eaters grow; what once was a group of a few antisocial teens is now a widespread movement. Siruis is one of the first members of The Order of the Phoenix. Tension rises all around them and change is in the air.

Things change but underneath it all The Marauders are the same, albeit more mature. Siruis finds a new band to obsess over and in a fit of inspiration buys a motorbike. Remus finally gets laid. Peter starts working and actually spends time socialising out of their group. And James goes on a date with Lily Evans.

The next night violence erupts and 39 are killed in a death eater massacre by the riverside in Leeds.

It is the start of war.

Siruis starts going on death eater raids with other Order members. James raids some days and uses his charm and his status to recruit members. Remus starts teaching defense spells to new members of the Order. Peter opts to work the task of organising information for logistics.

On his fifth raid a fellow team member dies. It was suppose to be an abandoned house. They weren't really expecting something too dangerous – most of the team was fairly inexperienced this was just supposed to be basic on the job training. All the serious jobs were given to the older members.

However, there _were_ death eaters. His team member was dead. He didn't even remember his name.

James Potter and Lily Evans get married. It's not a large wedding, nor is it small. It's just right and for a while everything is perfect and the war, death and despair is forgotten as people dance and make toasts to the young couple.

After his own toast, Marlene laughs and winks at him from across the reception. Then Remus smiles with a knowing look in his eye, so Siruis has to get up and start flirting with some girl at the bar with purple hair.

He wins her over with sharp words and his infamous smirk and before long they stagger outside to go back to his apartment. They're met on the street by the girl's boyfriend. A fight ensues that escalates quickly as Siruis is filled with anger and desperation of war and death and a boy who he can't even remember the name of. A crowd starts to form around them and after a punch to the right eye that sure to leave a bruise the size of a tennis ball Siruis retaliates by grabbing the pushing the man to the floor and punching him relentlessly. It takes three men to restrain him. He has a cut on his left jaw bleeding, his suit torn and ripped to shreds and he's sore all over, yet he feels _so Goddamn **alive**_... until he sees the sorrow state of the man on the floor.

Guilt fills him as he watches the wounded be apparated away. The crowd disperses though not before each member gives a glare to the best man. He cannot make out the faces, whether they're strangers, acquaintances or maybe even one of the few friends he has. It's dark and the adrenaline has stopped while the pain has kicked in properly so he slides down the brick wall and runs a rand through his hair cringing at the pain.

He stares up at the stars for what seems like hours, till his eyes start to droop.

In an alleyway smelling of puke, piss and alcohol he dreams of blood and death, angry trees and the harsh words of his mother.

-

Marlene dies.

He doesn't cry at her funeral, but he does afterwards when all alone at her apartment. It felt too empty, too lifeless without her. As if the walls knew and mourned with him. Except that's stupid to think. They're _fucking _walls. Inanimate. Drab. Boring. Lifeless, like –

He lights a cigarette. Watches the smoke drift apart the room.

The lighter's in his hand now. He flicks it on then off then on again. He stares at the flame until the tears start to blur his vision.

He thinks back to all the few times he's cried in his life and how she was always there to stop him. At first it would be by teasing and sneering at him until he couldn't take being laughed at anymore. Then it changed, to her making him laugh instead. Later, she'd smirk and with a smile lean in and kiss him.

Never actually talk about what was bothering him, no that wasn't her style. Neither his.

Except now he feels like he has no one to talk to. No one that will understand, because even without words, she understood. Always.

And he wishes she were here. Maybe they could try talking and romance and a _relationship _not just whatever they had. Honestly, if there was ever going to be someone for him, it would of been her.

It seems everyone realised before him. But it's too late now. She's dead.

And he's an idiot. A blind stupid idiot.

So he takes the only course available and_ accio's_ a six-pack to properly drown his sorrows.

Eventually, he can hear his mother's laughter. He laughs with her in his drunken stupor. A few more bottles and he's singing with her ""Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless. Disappointment. Failure. That's what you will always be."

-

It takes Siruis a while before he stops moping about and being reckless and distancing himself. It takes him a while to let people back into his life. He's scared of being hurt again. He's scared of messing up because he's starting to realise what a knack for it he has. He's too good at attracting trouble and it means people get hurt.

But The Marauders and company coax themselves back into his life with reassurances and smiles and a few good natured pranks. He thinks that maybe things won't be so bad. Maybe -after the war- they'll all be happy and silly and have fun times. Just like back in school.

Besides maybe if he works hard enough, thinks long enough, strategizes smart enough, fights hard enough no one else will die. And that's all the push he needs when he remembers Marlene's loud laugh at a not so funny joke or the feel of her lips digging into his skin. So he becomes the Order's best strategiser and raid planner and could be the best fighter once he catches up to the Griffins, but they got a head start anyway.

Except it's never enough. People keep dying.

He's not good enough. He messes up.

He underestimates the death eater's. Or he sends out too little into an obvious trap. Or something.

The war claims a life every other day.

The families mourn.

The Order fights.

Voldemort fights back.

People die.

It goes on and on. A cycle. Repeating through rain and sunshine then rain again.

Siruis is **_never_** enough. They are always better, faster, smarter, stronger..

All Siruis ever is weak.

The Peter Pettigrew mistake nearly kills him.

He caused the death of his best friend and Lily, kind sweet Lily. He trusted Peter, came up with his nickname and joked with him and laughed.

Rage boils all over him. As it does whenever he makes the mistake of letting himself remember.

He couldn't even kill Peter. Couldn't even do that much.

Failure. Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless. Disappointment. Failure. Failure. Failure.

_Fail of a friend. Fail of a godfather. Fail of a student. Fail of a brother and son._

_Fail of a best friend. Fail of an Order member. Fail of a best friend._

His mother's mantra stays in his head throughout the trial. Throughout the transportation to the greatest wizarding Prison. Throughout his first meeting with the dementor's.

He does not let himself remember anything. He does not want rage or anger or memories or melancholy and nostalgia or disappointment. He does not deserve any of that. He does not deserve to feel, as a failure.

Every day of the first three months at Azkaban he would shout until his voice was hoarse "Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless. Disappointment. Failure." The words that defined him.

He shouted and screamed. He yelled them to every wall in his cell a thousand times. He cried them out so the whole world would know what he is. As he should. As he _deserved.  
_  
-

He finally thinks he has a chance to do something good. Something proper and real like a true Gryffindor.

Be Harry Potter, his best friends sons, godfather. A proper godfather – brave and chivalrous just like a true Gryffindor.

He tries. He really does. He almost thinks he succeeds (or hopes so anyway) until the day at the ministry, where with a green flash the killing curse hits him.

In a moment that seems to slow indefinitely he sees Harry's face twist in anguish. He sees Remus turn to Harry, reaching out to hold him. He sees the bursts of bright colour all around him as the fight continues and knows he won't be able to do anything. He won't be able to help his friends, Remus or Harry.

The whisper starts of a familiar mantra "Weak. Traitor. Stupid. Talentless. Disappointment. Fail - ..."

The green flash ends. Darkness and silence. No whispering. No pain. Nothing. No murmur of words.

Peace, he realises.

Siruis Black is finally at peace.

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**A/N: This is my first fanfiction posted online, so all reviews will be treasured. :)**


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